The Power of Teaching Positive Opposites: A Parenting Skill That Really Works

A Parenting Skill that Works

As a child psychologist, one of the most common questions I get from parents is, "Why won’t my child just stop doing that?”

Whether it’s running away from the dinner table, whining for snacks, or yelling when upset, the answer often lies in a simple shift: instead of telling kids what not to do, we need to show them exactly what to do instead.

Why "Don't" Doesn’t Work (Especially for Young Kids)

Young children are concrete thinkers. That means they understand and remember instructions that are simple, direct, and action- based. When we say, “Don’t yell,” they hear “yell.” When we say, “Stop running,” they often aren’t sure what to do instead—so they keep doing what comes naturally.

Without a clear alternative, kids are left to fill in the blanks—and their guess might not be the one we were hoping for!

Teach the Positive Opposite Skill: What To Do Instead

This is where the concept of positive opposite skills comes in. When your child is doing something you want to discourage, ask yourself: What would I like them to do instead? Then teach and paise that behavior. A parenting skill that works!

Here are some examples:

Instead of Saying This...	Try Saying This...
"Don't run away from the table."	"Please stay seated at the table."
"Stop yelling."	"Use your calm voice."
"Don't play that rough!"	"Use gentle hands with your sister."
"No jumping on the couch."	"Feet on the floor."
"Stop whining!"	"Use a calm voice." or "Use your big kid voice."

This kind of direction not only reduces confusion but also gives your child a chance to succeed- and that’s something you can celebrate.

How to Make It Stick: Teach, Practice, Praise

Helping your child learn these new skills doesn’t have to be complicated. Here’s a simple 4-step formula I often teach in session:

1. Teach it:

   Practice the skill when your child is calm. Show them what using a “quiet voice” or “gentle hands” looks and sounds like.
   

2. Practice it: Give reminders before tricky situations (“Remember, stay seated until we’re done eating.”). Additionally, give reminders in the moment. If your child whines for something, model the correct form of requesting and wait for them to do it before giving your response.
   

3. Praise it: Provide praise right away when you catch them using the skill ("I love how you asked so calmly" or "Great job staying seated at dinner. That helped us have a great conversation.")
   

4. Reward it: If you’re using a behavior chart or sticker system, give a point or sticker when they practice the skill. Even if it’s not perfect, effort counts!

Keep It Positive, Keep It Clear

This approach doesn’t mean ignoring misbehavior. Rather, this approach helps you set your child up for success by giving them the tools to do better. By focusing on what you want to see, rather than what you want to avoid, you create a home environment that’s calmer, more predictable, and more encouraging for everyone.

Remember

Parenting young children is tough. Small changes in how we communicate can make a big difference. Teaching opposite skills is one of those simple shifts that can lead to better behavior, fewer power struggles, and a more connected relationship with your child.

If you’re curious about how to use this approach with your own child or need help building a routine or behavior plan, please call Naples Behavioral Pediatric Therapy (239-922-1440).